Until you’re in it, it’s hard to imagine what divorce feels like.
Sure, you hear about the lawyers, the custody battles, and maybe a bit about the emotional fallout. But nothing prepares you for the chaos your life becomes, and the aftermath of that chaos.
It’s like your former life was swooped up in a tornado and spun around a few times, and now you’re standing in the wreckage–assessing the damage, wondering what’s still standing and where to go from here.
You’re not in Kansas anymore, but it’s far from the magical land of Oz.
Can you really rebuild your life after divorce at 40?
I’ve noticed a trend in divorce forums–women asking if it’s possible to start over after divorce at age 35, 40, 50.
And the answer is yes, absolutely!
In fact, many people find that the life they build after divorce is even more aligned with who they truly are. The post-divorce journey can be one of growth and rediscovery.
Rebuilding after divorce is definitely possible. It just takes time, patience, and belief in yourself.
To start feeling better now, download the guide,
50 Self-Care Tips to Make Separation Suck Less.
The five phases of rebuilding your life post-divorce
While everyone’s a little different, I’ve found that most people go through several phases in their post-divorce journey:
- Stabilizing your foundation
- Reclaiming their identity
- Rebuilding self-trust
- Creating a life that fits you
- Building yourself back up
Let’s go through each one.
Stabilize your foundation
During the initial separation and divorce period, your body is in survival mode. Your brain is reading the loss of the relationship as a threat–even if it wasn’t healthy. You’re riding the wave of emotional whiplash–anxious one minute; numb and exhausted the next. Your goal during this time is to regulate and stabilize your system. You can do this through:
Calming your nervous system. Slow your breathing. Practice the box breathing method: inhale four seconds, hold four, exhale four. Repeat until you feel your body relax and your breathing deepen. Another good way to regulate your system is by practicing mindfulness. There are many good programs available online to help you with this.
Creating routines. Routines help create structure and stability, which your system is desperately craving right now. This doesn’t have to be anything huge–it can be as simple as taking a walk around the block every day at the same time.
Reducing overwhelm. If you can, avoid overstimulating environments like noisy bars or places with bright lighting. If you work in a stimulating environment, take micro-breaks to recoup and regulate. Step outside and breathe in the fresh air.
Basic self-care. And no, I don’t mean fancy pedicures or facials. I’m talking about meeting your basic needs–food, water, rest, shelter. Make sure you’re eating and staying hydrated and getting enough sleep.
Therapy and support. Seek help through a local therapist or support group. There are also great online options.
In this stage, it’s all about reorienting yourself and feeling better.
For more tips, check out 10 Ways to Feel Better Fast When Going Through a Divorce.
Reclaim your identity
So now you’re back on your feet, but you’re left wondering, “Who am I?” As part of a couple, you had shared interests and merged identities. It was you + them. Now it’s just you. This can leave you feeling unmoored and disconnected.
In this phase, it’s time to get back to yourself. You can do this through:
Rediscovering interests. What do you like to do that you didn’t do as much when you were part of a couple?
Reconnecting with friends. Perhaps your friendships were given less priority when you were married. This is the perfect time to reach out and reestablish connections.
Rebuilding confidence. Dust off old skills, set goals, and work towards accomplishments. Nothing is too trivial here. Feeling creative? Grab a paint-by-number watercolor set and get to work!
Remembering who you were before the marriage. Reflect on who you were pre-marriage. Maybe you’re not sure. But you realize you’ve spent 12 years watching shows you didn’t even like. That’s okay! It’s time to take back the reins (and the remote) of your life and remember who you are and what you like to do.
Rebuild self-trust
Depending on the unique circumstances of your marriage and divorce, you may be struggling with self-doubt–asking how you missed red flags, or your partner’s infidelity. This may bleed into other parts of your life, making it hard for you to trust yourself with even the smallest decisions.
Part of rebuilding your life post-divorce is learning to trust yourself again:
Start small. If you’re struggling with daily micro-decisions, start here. Maybe it’s as simple as what color top to buy, or where to go for dinner. Each decision you make tells your brain that you are trustworthy and capable.
Trust your intuition. Intuition is that calm sense of knowing that you feel about a situation or person. Unlike anxiety–which is loud, nervous, and clingy–intuition is quiet and quick. It usually pops up briefly and then backs off, so we tend to miss it (or ignore it). If you have a gut feeling, or a moment of clarity, that’s your intuition speaking. Tuning into our inner knowing helps us make decisions that are right for us and guide us in the right direction.
For a deeper dive on this topic, check out How to Rebuild Self-Trust After Divorce.
Create a life that fits you
This is the exciting part of your rebuild!
Once you’re back on your feet and functioning, you can start to create a life that actually fits you. This could look like discovering new hobbies, making new friends, exploring a change in careers, or even…
*cue scary music* DATING (when you’re ready, of course).
This part is all about designing life intentionally. Take some time to rediscover yourself, and then build a life that feels good for you.
Build yourself back up
Once you’ve reoriented and rediscovered a few things about yourself, you may start to gain some new self-awareness–about old patterns, habits, or things about yourself that you’d like to work on.
This is the perfect time to do some reflecting and focus on things like:
- Self-respect: How do you treat yourself? Do you honor your values, set and hold boundaries with others, and practice regular self-care? Do you stand up for yourself when others disrespect you?
- Emotional growth: If you’re like me, you learned a few things from your marriage and divorce–about honoring your emotions, expressing your needs, and handling conflict effectively. Now’s a great time to take this a step further and practice honing your new soft skills and building your emotional intelligence.
- Taking pride in all you’ve accomplished. Divorce is one of the hardest things we can go through in life. You’ve been there, and you’ve come out stronger and more self-aware. It’s important to give yourself credit for your own strength and resilience.
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Most people think divorce after 40 means their life is falling apart.
In reality, it’s often the moment people begin building the most authentic version of their life.