This article is part of a series on how to date after divorce. For the first article in the series, click here.
When I started dating again, I had a bit of a rude awakening.
I was expecting fun, vibes, and men who were as excited for new connections as I was. Instead, I was met with flakiness, bad communication, and general immaturity.
I share this information not to discourage you, but to empower you. When you know what to expect, you can navigate the modern dating world with confidence instead of despair and confusion.
Ready to dive in? Here we go!
5 truths about dating after divorce as a woman
The dating pool is smaller than when we were 20
Like many of you, I entered the dating pool having spent half my life in a relationship. The last time I was single, the world was a different place. George W. Bush had just won his first bid for presidency. We were still using internet cafes, and the only dating app that existed was match.com. Dating IRL was the norm–so you could vet people in person and feel out the vibe without relying on bad selfies to assess someone’s character. All clubbing, no swiping.
We were in our teens and 20s–young, single, free. Not yet jaded by bad breakups and complex relationships. The dating world was our oyster, and there were many pearls.
Now, the shiny pearls are harder to find. Many quality ones are still married, and the ones left are a bit tarnished and a little rough around the edges.
The truth is, you can’t get to midlife without getting somewhat tarnished and jagged. Everyone–men and women–bring their own baggage. The goal is to seek out the ones who are making an active effort to work on theirs, instead of just filling a void like I did when I first started dating.
The dating apps are prolific…and frustrating
Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, Feeld…the apps are everywhere, and they mostly don’t work.
Yes, you can use most of them for free. But they wouldn’t survive if they didn’t make money. Thus, the algorithm is designed to keep you on the app as long as possible and to pay to use it.
Also, more people than you’d think are married or in a relationship, according to recent studies.
I know what you’re thinking: “WTF. We’re out here swiping with good intentions, and these mofos are married???”
Hella discouraging, I know.
That’s why we need to look at the why behind this phenomenon, so we know how to get what we need from the apps.
First, we can assume that a portion of these folks are separated but still legally married. Regardless of our personal moral stance on this, we at least know they’re (maybe) emotionally detached from their marriage and ready to move on.
The second (and less encouraging) reason married people use the apps is for a source of validation. Maybe they’re in a loveless marriage or a dead bedroom, so they turn to the apps for attention. Every match; every “You’re cute!” message is an instant boost to the ego. These men aren’t seeking a partner; they’re chasing dopamine and distractions.
This kind of behavior–attention-seeking with no follow-through–results in lots of low-effort conversations and ghosting. And, if the conversation does get deeper–and you try to plan an actual date–they bail. I’ve experienced this more than once.
Please do not take this behavior personally. It is not a reflection of your value. It’s folks seeking attention, not real connection.
Some men just want a hookup
In addition to the married men, there are also those who just want to hook up and aren’t looking for anything serious.
To be clear, there’s nothing wrong with this–as long as he’s honest about it and it aligns with what you’re looking for. Unfortunately, however, some men will say they’re looking for a LTR when what they really want is casual or no-strings-attached sex. They may say they want something more serious just to get access to you.
Fortunately, there are things you can watch for to avoid engaging with these types of men. Signs to look for in a man’s bio include:
- Shirtless selfies
- Blatant nudity
- Sexual language and innuendos
- Selecting all relationship options (short term, long term, friendship, casual) to cast their net wider
In the next article, we’ll dive deeper into what else to look for–including after you meet someone in person.
Folks with unhealed issues trying to date
I’m not trying to shame anyone by saying this. As I said before, we all have our own struggles.
But it becomes a problem when we don’t work on ourselves. Some people seek companionship or sex from others to fill the hole in themselves or numb the pain. But this only prolongs healing. Instead of seeking validation from external sources, we should be giving it to ourselves. It’s only after we turn inward and uncover the root of our issues–unhealthy patterns, trauma–that we can bring our best selves to the dating world.
Sadly, some people don’t self-reflect enough to understand this–or they just don’t want to change. The apps are full of emotionally unavailable people that keep getting recycled back into the dating pool after their short-term relationships inevitably end–and they often don’t see the role they played in its demise.
Here, too, there are things you can look for early when engaging with these men to recognize this type of avoidant behavior. Learning to spot signs (coming on strong, inconsistency, among others) will be one of your biggest dating advantages.
Scammers, abusers, and general toxicity
I’d be remiss not to mention that–once in a great while–you come upon fake profiles, scammers asking for money, and just general lowlifes who like to use the apps to take advantage of women. Fortunately, these folks are usually easy to spot. Here’s what to look for:
- They seem too good to be true. If a man pops up in your queue and he looks like a Calvin Klein underwear model, chances are it’s not a real person. If he seems a little too perfect and his profile seems generic, beware.
- Profile/conversation mismatch. His well-written bio says he’s born and raised in the Midwest, but you start chatting and his English is broken (or extra flowery). Clearly he’s not the person he says he is. Next!
- Anyone asking for money or favors. This includes in their bio or after you start chatting. Abort and report ASAP!
The lowlifes might be harder to spot, but it’s a safe bet to steer clear of anyone who lies, makes demands, or insults you (or women in general–more on that later!).
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Hopefully this article gives you a better understanding of the current dating reality–and hopefully you’re not feeling too discouraged yet!
The good news? Once you understand this landscape, you stop taking things personally—and start navigating it with clarity, boundaries, and a lot more control. In the next article, I’ll show you exactly how to do that.