Divorce didn’t just break my heart.
It also made me question whether I should be allowed to make adult decisions without supervision. Like perhaps my life should be affixed with a parental advisory sticker. Because, like a true 1980s child of explicit lyric and satanic panic hysteria, clearly I couldn’t be trusted to regulate my own choices.
No matter our unique circumstances, divorce can leave us questioning everything about our own judgment. We wonder how we could’ve tolerated certain behaviors, ignored red flags, or miscommunicated (or failed to communicate) our needs. Some of us have been floating through the fog of distrust so long that we’re unable to tell the difference between anxiety and intuition.
Let me just say this: All of this is normal. You are not broken.
Separation and divorce can quietly erode our confidence and self-trust. Maybe we got so used to overfunctioning in our marriage that we didn’t stop to ask ourselves what we really wanted. Or perhaps we minimized our needs or buried our instincts to keep the peace.
The good news is, we can learn how to rebuild self-trust after divorce.
Before we get into how to do that, let’s break down exactly what self-trust means.
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What is self-trust?
Self-trust means you rely on your own decisions, judgments, and abilities. It’s validating yourself from within rather than relying on others to do it for you. It’s trusting your instincts and not seeking others’ approval.
Self-trust is knowing that even if you make a mistake, you can learn and grow from it. It’s knowing you possess the strength and resilience to face challenges and bounce back from setbacks.
It’s also doing what’s best for you, even if it upsets some people.
What are the signs I’ve lost trust in myself?
You replay conversations or scenarios like your ex reviewed game footage from the NFL.
The email to your coworker. The uncomfortable discussion with your ex. A text from the dude you’re seeing. Whatever the situation, you find yourself dissecting it like a frog in middle school science: “What did this part mean? Should I have done that? Ugh, I feel so gross!”
You ask friends what they think before making decisions.
From the new outfit you want to buy to next summer’s camping trip, you find yourself asking for input before taking a single step.
You override discomfort to avoid conflict.
You don’t want to make waves, so you don’t speak up when something makes you uncomfortable.
You doubt your intuition.
Or maybe you’ve lost touch with it altogether.
You let anxiety take the wheel.
A coworker is short with you. Instead of telling yourself that she must be having a bad day, you make it personal: “She must be pissed off at me!” You act from anxiety, not rational thought.
How divorce disrupts self-trust
If any of these things occurred in your marriage, you may find it hard to trust yourself again.
Gaslighting
Even subtle forms of causing you to doubt reality (“You’re overreacting”) can chip away at your ability to trust your own perceptions and feelings. Hear it often enough and you can even begin to gaslight yourself: “I’m too much.” “Maybe it is my fault.”
Emotional inconsistency
Having a partner who’s warm one day and cold the next makes you constantly doubt yourself and wonder if you did something wrong.
Over-functioning to keep the peace
If you were the one doing most of the emotional work to make others happy, you may have lost touch with what makes you happy.
When we’re repeatedly told that our perceptions can’t be trusted, we start to seek others to affirm this trust for us. We rely on external instead of internal validation.
How to rebuild self-trust after divorce
No matter how much you might doubt yourself, there is a way back to trusting yourself again. And it won’t take as long as you expect, once you start practicing. Here are some tips to get started.
Act according to your values
Our values are the core beliefs that reflect what we stand for–things like honesty, creativity, and loyalty. (Check out Brene Brown’s list of values for a quick way to determine yours.)
When we act in alignment with our values, we stay true to ourselves, which helps cement our sense of self-trust. When we’re not sure how to react, we can turn to our core values to guide us.
For example, let’s say two of your values are respect and honesty. Here are some questions you might encounter that you can cross-reference with your values to determine alignment:
Ask:
- Would secure-me send this text?
- Would future-me tolerate this?
- Am I acting from fear or integrity?
Give yourself some grace here–acting according to our values takes a conscious effort and you might not always get it right.
Keep micro-promises to yourself
When a friend makes a promise, you expect her to keep it. If you don’t, that can cause you to lose trust in her. The same thing is true for yourself.
To build this muscle, start with small things you know you can do, and work your way up to the next level. For example:
- Want to eat more fruit? Start with one apple.
- Need to work out more? Walk around the block before you hit the gym.
- Need space from someone? Start with 5 minutes.
Self-trust grows through every kept promise.
Set boundaries with others and reinforce them
Boundaries are the dividing line between your limits (what you will tolerate) and what another person does. These include physical, mental, and emotional limits. To protect your evening downtime, for example, you might set a boundary that you don’t take phone calls after 9 pm. You’d let others know your limit, and if someone calls after 9:00, you simply don’t answer.
When you set and keep a boundary, you’re reinforcing that your own needs matter.
For a deeper dive into boundaries and how to set and keep them, check out Stop People Pleasing and Find Your Power by Hailey Magee. Even if, like me, you don’t consider yourself a people pleaser, you will likely resonate with many of the topics she covers. In addition to boundaries, she also covers identifying your needs, desires, and values.
Sit in the discomfort of your feelings
When we first begin to trust our feelings, it might feel uncomfortable. We may want to rush to find relief through doing what we’ve always done or giving in to what others want.
When you encounter that first wave of anxiety, practice sitting in it without reacting. Use some mindfulness skills or emotional regulation techniques.
If you’re not familiar with mindfulness, it’s basically sitting in the present moment and allowing yourself to just be, without getting caught up in the past or worrying about the future.
To get started, I highly recommend using an app to guide you through the basics. Here are a couple I’ve found super helpful:
- Calm: My anxiety has significantly decreased since I started using Calm back in 2018 Just 5 minutes a day can help. Check out their 7-day free trial to get started.
- Open: Based in neuroscience, this app combines “breathworth, meditation, movement, and sound.” When I started using this app, I noticed a reduction in anxiety after a single session. Check out the free trial here.
Sitting in the discomfort of your feelings takes some getting used to, so don’t beat yourself up if you give into anxiety once in a while. The more you do it, the more you’ll be able to ride the emotional waves and build self-trust.
Repair and take accountability when you slip up
Speaking of slipping up, that’s going to happen as you learn how to trust yourself again. There were plenty of times when I told myself I told myself I’d stop texting that emotionally unavailable guy. But then, after a glass of wine (or two), I’d give in. Instead of spiraling into shame, I recalibrated. And you can too.
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Rebuilding your self-trust takes time, patience, and awareness. Keep at it, forgive yourself when you slip up, and soon you’ll be making decisions like the powerful woman you are. (No parental advisory required.)