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I realized something recently.
You remember riding the tilt-a-whirl (or similar gross, spinning ride) at your hometown carnival as a kid, and how icky you felt afterwards? That’s how the initial grief of divorce feels. Your head is spinning. You can’t decide if you should be sick, lie down and crash out forever, or throttle the guy (or girl) who let you on this ride to begin with. It’s a whirlwind of awfulness.
And it feels like this icky feeling will never end. But with a little time and some medicine, slowly you start to feel better.
This is the stage that no one warns you about, and it sucks. But I promise it doesn’t last forever. And there are things you can do in the moment to ease the ache a bit. It won’t take away all the ickiness, but it will help. So here’s some Dramamine for the Soul™, to help you recalibrate and regain a bit of life steadiness.
How to start feeling better during divorce
Acknowledge your emotions
This is the first and most important first step. Sometimes we get so caught up in our feelings that we allow them to consume us. Before we know it, we’re sucked into an emotional spiral that’s hard to get out of.
By stepping back and saying, “okay, right now I’m feeling sad, lost, and confused,” we separate ourselves from our emotions and view them objectively–as something that we’re experiencing, and that we know are temporary.
Pet a dog (or a cat, if you must!)
I get it–it’s hard not having someone to cuddle with anymore. You may not have a human snuggle buddy, but an animal can work almost as well!
There’s a reason that dogs make good therapy animals. They activate the part of the brain that boosts dopamine and results in a good mood. And if you don’t have one, ask a family member or friend if you can borrow theirs for a while. My mom’s dog Murphy became my favorite cuddle buddy when I was having some mental health issues a few years ago. He was such a great furry support that I borrowed him again when going through my own separation and divorce.
Have some ice cream
Yes, I’m promoting junk food.
And yes, I know that a diet full of fruits, veggies, and other healthy stuff is great for your long-term health and mood. But right now, junk food might just be the thing to help you feel better.
Back to our old friend dopamine. The sugar and carbs in junk food create that feel-good spike in the center of your brain–which is exactly what you need right now. So grab that Chunky Monkey and dig in. I’m not judging. 🍨
Call or text a friend
If you haven’t done it yet, I recommend choosing a close friend or family member and asking them to be your divorce support buddy. Having somebody on standby that you can reach out when you’re feeling down is important right now. Just make sure it’s somebody who knows how to provide solid emotional support and not unsolicited advice or worse, criticism. Because, let’s be real: our friends have different strengths, and they’re not all the best at the gooey stuff.
Watch (or read, or listen to) something funny
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Have you ever been deep in a serious discussion with someone and they say something funny that makes you laugh through your tears? That’s the power of humor–it helps us find joy even in the hardest times.
So go ahead and turn on your favorite comedy show or crank up those comedians on your morning radio program. Even a small amount of laughter can bring a bit of brightness to your day.
Zen out
You’ve probably heard about the power of mindfulness and meditation, but maybe you weren’t sure how to get started.
The nice thing is that being mindful doesn’t have to be an intense experience. It simply means paying attention to your current surroundings and staying in the present moment. When you’re focused on the present, it’s impossible to dwell on the past or worry about the future. This state of awareness restores harmony and helps bring your sense of equilibrium back under control, which calms your nervous system.
Go for a purpose-less stroll.
Not to meet your daily steps, but to clear your head. Any type of physical activity or movement, no matter how simple, helps get you out of your head and back into your body. Exercise also boosts serotonin levels, which improves your mood.
Get some D
I’m talking vitamin D, that magic sunlight chemical that helps regulate our mood and energy levels. And if daylight hours are null and void where you live right now, consider investing in a light therapy lamp*. I’ve had a lot of success managing my depression and seasonal affective disorder using this light lamp. It has three different light levels for different times of day–just tap it to change the level. (Not as cool as the clapper, but close.)
*Please read the medical disclaimers before use.
Use the TIPP method
TIPP is an acronym that my therapist introduced me to. It’s a device that you can use during intense moods to calm down. Here’s what each letter means:
T – Temperature. Changing the temperature of your current environment activates your body’s physiological response, which has a calming effect on your system. You can do this by placing an ice pack on your head, or stepping outside briefly during cold weather.
I – Intense exercise. We all know that exercise is good for us–even more so when done quickly and heavily. When we increase our heart rates, we burn off stress and release energy for an instant mood-booster.
P – Paced breathing. Slowing down our breathing sends a signal to our bodies that it’s okay to relax and that no immediate threat is present. Start by inhaling for 4 slow seconds and exhaling for 6-8 seconds.
P – Progressive muscle relaxation.
Let it out
Sometimes, you just need to let it all out. So cry, punch your pillow, throw something at the TV. Releasing pent-up energy might be just the thing you need right now.
Hopefully, these ten tips can help you start feeling better when going through your divorce or separation. And, if you’re still feeling down, a little distraction now and then is okay. 😊
Want more tips? Download the guide, 50 Self-Care Tips to Make Separation Suck Less.